Depression

So, in continuation of my last post, getting fired sucks. It has left me in a horrible state and I feel depressed. I have unlimited free time now. No school and no work. But it doesn't feel like a vacation, I have this unusual feeling that I'm waiting for something, or that I have something to do in the near future, but there's nothing in particular that I'm waiting for. It's probably the sense of obligation one develops with the responsibility of having a job, but now that I have nothing to do, it's just a nagging feeling, pointlessly telling me to make sure I'm not late for work or to check my schedule before I make plans. I have nothing to do with my time, and I'm bored and am losing interest in life. It's summer and I have all the time I want, but I'm not excited. I feel no desire to do summer things, I just lay on my stone tablet in a permanent state of half-sleep, my back eternally sore and my scalp raw from rolling over in my pillow so much. The lack of obligation and time occupation isn't the only troubling aspect of this dilemma. No job means no income, no income means no moving out,  and no moving out means lots of misery.

People think depression is a severe state of sadness or melancholy. Maybe there's more than one kind of depression, but the kind I had suffered for years in the past, and kinda what I'm feeling now, is different. It's not sadness, necessarily, but a permanent sense of unease and worthlessness, like you've lost all interest in the world. You stop wanting to do the things you like doing, like sports or games or whatever. You lose interest in your friends--you still like them of course, but you have no desire to hang out with them or communicate with them, and when they try to talk to you, holding the conversation is a burden. You just wallow in boredom and hate that you're so bored, but then you dread any attempt at fixing it.

Right now I'm definitely not in that severe of a state. And because I've been there before, it's probably a lot easier for me to fight it--to realize it and stop it before it gets to that point. I'm in that direction, but I'm not going any further down that path. I don't ever feel like playing tennis anymore, and I can't even make myself really unpack my things from college, but I'm fighting myself from secluding myself into depression. I make myself play tennis, even when I don't want to. And I make myself go hang out with my friends even when I'm not in the mood, but usually once I'm with them, I feel better--temporarily at least. They've all been supportive and great distractions from my failing life. I don't know if it's possible to simply will oneself out of depression--it should be, since depression is a state of mind--but I'm definitely trying; I refuse to go back to my dark ages.

Anyway I was also going to talk about God a bunch, but I'll get to that another day.