So, in continuation of my last post, getting fired sucks. It has left me in a horrible state and I feel depressed. I have unlimited free time now. No school and no work. But it doesn't feel like a vacation, I have this unusual feeling that I'm waiting for something, or that I have something to do in the near future, but there's nothing in particular that I'm waiting for. It's probably the sense of obligation one develops with the responsibility of having a job, but now that I have nothing to do, it's just a nagging feeling, pointlessly telling me to make sure I'm not late for work or to check my schedule before I make plans. I have nothing to do with my time, and I'm bored and am losing interest in life. It's summer and I have all the time I want, but I'm not excited. I feel no desire to do summer things, I just lay on my stone tablet in a permanent state of half-sleep, my back eternally sore and my scalp raw from rolling over in my pillow so much. The lack of obligation and time occupation isn't the only troubling aspect of this dilemma. No job means no income, no income means no moving out, and no moving out means lots of misery.
People think depression is a severe state of sadness or melancholy. Maybe there's more than one kind of depression, but the kind I had suffered for years in the past, and kinda what I'm feeling now, is different. It's not sadness, necessarily, but a permanent sense of unease and worthlessness, like you've lost all interest in the world. You stop wanting to do the things you like doing, like sports or games or whatever. You lose interest in your friends--you still like them of course, but you have no desire to hang out with them or communicate with them, and when they try to talk to you, holding the conversation is a burden. You just wallow in boredom and hate that you're so bored, but then you dread any attempt at fixing it.
Right now I'm definitely not in that severe of a state. And because I've been there before, it's probably a lot easier for me to fight it--to realize it and stop it before it gets to that point. I'm in that direction, but I'm not going any further down that path. I don't ever feel like playing tennis anymore, and I can't even make myself really unpack my things from college, but I'm fighting myself from secluding myself into depression. I make myself play tennis, even when I don't want to. And I make myself go hang out with my friends even when I'm not in the mood, but usually once I'm with them, I feel better--temporarily at least. They've all been supportive and great distractions from my failing life. I don't know if it's possible to simply will oneself out of depression--it should be, since depression is a state of mind--but I'm definitely trying; I refuse to go back to my dark ages.
Anyway I was also going to talk about God a bunch, but I'll get to that another day.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Betrayal
I never intended to stop writing for twenty days. I've been so busy the past few weeks, I've had more than enough to write about, just no time. Since my last entry, I've had final exams, moving out, moving in, and then working forty hours a week at the establishment at which I am, since yesterday, no longer employed. Sunday night I find that my employment at Trio Cafe has been officially terminated. The details as to why and how the whole issue occurred are still undefined and I have not yet had the opportunity to defend myself--an opportunity that, knowing my manager, I doubt will ever arise. However, what I do know is that one of the shift leaders has betrayed me severely and was ultimately the cause of said termination.
This particular shift-leader is not very well-liked at Trio. Growing up as an unattractive social outcast, she found power as a suitable substitute for the respect she could not gain among her peers. However, she could never gain any power without respect, so she constantly assumed power that she was not granted and ended up only further estranging herself from her peers by her ceaseless attempts to control them in everyday situations like during soccer practice, in the classroom, or at work. However, recently, Trio lost three shift leaders within a short period of time and so the manager, out of severe desperation, promoted the employee--who loyally devoted four years of her life to this job without any promotion until this point--to the position of "shift-leader." So as I said, this shift-leader was never popular, and has only very few close friends. Several months ago, I witnessed this shift-leader betray another Trio employee--her best friend and roommate--causing that employee to be fired for no just reason whatsoever. After that debacle I should have been constantly on guard around that disgusting backstabber, however, I was unfortunately cursed with feelings of pity for this friendless shift-leader girl. So while all the other workers humiliated her and said awful things about her behind her back and neglected to invite her to events that the rest of the staff was invited to, I, her only friend, stood up for her. She and I weren't necessarily close, but we definitely had a good work relationship, and I defended her when others made fun of her and said bad things about her and I obediently followed the orders that she didn't even have the power to give, just to make her feel somewhat good about herself. So anyway, after all my kindness and support, she offers me only one thing: betrayal. The word spills off my tongue like acid. This shift-leader, who was terribly mistreated by everyone except me, fed my manager slanderous lies that caused my downfall. And I hate her for it. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her. The slut.
Getting fired hurt. Although I definitely wanted to leave, and was practically offering my resignation notice during my argument with my manager, getting kicked out instead of walking out on my own hurt. Badly. It was (or still is, for that matter, I am not quite over the situation yet) a mixture of rejection, unfairness, and the sense of betrayal. I suddenly felt unwanted and unimportant, as if the eight months or so of loyal workmanship I served Trio suddenly accounted for nothing and had no value. This was my first, and only thus far, job. I don't know if this is the case for all first jobs, but this wasn't just a side job for a source of income to cover a college student's alcohol expenditures. I really tried hard every day to do the best I could--not taking shortcuts, and not leaving anything undone. I could have slacked through and half-assed everything like everyone else; I would've saved my energy and made the same wage. But for some reason I felt driven to constantly work to my best potential and fill Trio with the success of my sheer excellence. And for what? All the dedication and hard work I put into that job apparently means nothing to my manager; it was a waste of blood and sweat. Furthermore, the simple unfairness of my termination just infuriates me. I did nothing wrong--or at least certainly nothing worth more than a raised eyebrow--but slander goes so far. I was unjustly fired and there is nothing I can do about it but spectate my own downfall. But the betrayal is the worst, the fact that I fell victim to the heartless hatred of some crazed backstabber who's desperation for power drives her to commit all sorts of evil without a moment of guilt.
It's all infuriating, and quite depressing, but after all the anger and sadness, there's still the looming terror that the termination on my record--especially in the slanderous context in which my manager is likely to word it--will prevent me from attaining another job in the future, at least not until after college.
Further thoughts soon to come. Peace.
This particular shift-leader is not very well-liked at Trio. Growing up as an unattractive social outcast, she found power as a suitable substitute for the respect she could not gain among her peers. However, she could never gain any power without respect, so she constantly assumed power that she was not granted and ended up only further estranging herself from her peers by her ceaseless attempts to control them in everyday situations like during soccer practice, in the classroom, or at work. However, recently, Trio lost three shift leaders within a short period of time and so the manager, out of severe desperation, promoted the employee--who loyally devoted four years of her life to this job without any promotion until this point--to the position of "shift-leader." So as I said, this shift-leader was never popular, and has only very few close friends. Several months ago, I witnessed this shift-leader betray another Trio employee--her best friend and roommate--causing that employee to be fired for no just reason whatsoever. After that debacle I should have been constantly on guard around that disgusting backstabber, however, I was unfortunately cursed with feelings of pity for this friendless shift-leader girl. So while all the other workers humiliated her and said awful things about her behind her back and neglected to invite her to events that the rest of the staff was invited to, I, her only friend, stood up for her. She and I weren't necessarily close, but we definitely had a good work relationship, and I defended her when others made fun of her and said bad things about her and I obediently followed the orders that she didn't even have the power to give, just to make her feel somewhat good about herself. So anyway, after all my kindness and support, she offers me only one thing: betrayal. The word spills off my tongue like acid. This shift-leader, who was terribly mistreated by everyone except me, fed my manager slanderous lies that caused my downfall. And I hate her for it. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her. The slut.
Getting fired hurt. Although I definitely wanted to leave, and was practically offering my resignation notice during my argument with my manager, getting kicked out instead of walking out on my own hurt. Badly. It was (or still is, for that matter, I am not quite over the situation yet) a mixture of rejection, unfairness, and the sense of betrayal. I suddenly felt unwanted and unimportant, as if the eight months or so of loyal workmanship I served Trio suddenly accounted for nothing and had no value. This was my first, and only thus far, job. I don't know if this is the case for all first jobs, but this wasn't just a side job for a source of income to cover a college student's alcohol expenditures. I really tried hard every day to do the best I could--not taking shortcuts, and not leaving anything undone. I could have slacked through and half-assed everything like everyone else; I would've saved my energy and made the same wage. But for some reason I felt driven to constantly work to my best potential and fill Trio with the success of my sheer excellence. And for what? All the dedication and hard work I put into that job apparently means nothing to my manager; it was a waste of blood and sweat. Furthermore, the simple unfairness of my termination just infuriates me. I did nothing wrong--or at least certainly nothing worth more than a raised eyebrow--but slander goes so far. I was unjustly fired and there is nothing I can do about it but spectate my own downfall. But the betrayal is the worst, the fact that I fell victim to the heartless hatred of some crazed backstabber who's desperation for power drives her to commit all sorts of evil without a moment of guilt.
It's all infuriating, and quite depressing, but after all the anger and sadness, there's still the looming terror that the termination on my record--especially in the slanderous context in which my manager is likely to word it--will prevent me from attaining another job in the future, at least not until after college.
Further thoughts soon to come. Peace.
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